Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category

Mindless expansionism

November 19, 2006

An old joke, expanded unreasonably!

An optimist says a glass is half full, and thus decides to enjoy the provided bounty by drinking the rest of it.

A pessimist says the glass is half empty, and drinks the rest before it disappears too.

The engineer says the glass is double the necessary capacity, and drinks the water whilst pondering whether it would be easier to get a smaller glass or to resize the current one appropriately.

The scientist remarks that it would have taken (x) hours for the water, assuming the glass started full, to evaporate to such a level, given the current humidity and temperature. At this stage, the scientist then is sufficiently thirsty that they drink the water.

A programmer looks at the glass, ponders it for a while, drinks the water and then refills the glass to see if it happens again.

A cynic, meanwhile, demands to know who drank half their water, launches an investigation, and is thus the only one to survive after all that arsenic got dumped in the water supply.

This is what counts as a joke these days?

November 7, 2006

So I received this in the email today:

For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don’t emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.
First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.
So with all things, Dark Suckers don’t last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker.
A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.
There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can’t handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it’s not wise to touch an operating candle.
Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.
Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.

It was titled as a joke. Frankly, this is just a long stream of nonsense. That really doesn’t work, unless you are John Cleese (or perhaps just British in general).

But then, maybe I’m just posting this to remind y’all that I haven’t disappeared off the face of this earth (yet). Go figure.

Daylight Wasting Time

October 29, 2006

So we’ve just switched over to Daylight Saving Time, forcing everyone to get up an hour earlier during summer. Frankly, I’ve got a better idea, though, based on the number of listings on Google, it may not be unique to me.

Daylight Wasting Time. We set our clocks back one hour in winter, and I can sleep later on those awfully dark and cold wintry morns. Farmers, meanwhile, can simply get up an hour earlier, year-round, and achieve the same effect.

This way, the cows don’t have to get any more confused than they are now.


August 13, 2006

At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:

“If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?”

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team’s software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

Bill Gates vs Malaria

June 22, 2006

Bill Gates is relinquishing control of day-to-day operations at Microsoft over the next two years, in case you hadn’t heard, to work on his charity, the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation. Good for him.

Now if I were the malaria bug, I’d be very worried about this. It can’t be long before Gates holds merger talks with malaria to learn all its parasitic secrets, then, at the last moment, changes his mind, releases a competing product and bundles it with Windows (Microsoft Malaria 2009)… oh! wait, I mean cures it.

While I’m not too anti-MS, I just can’t resist a good pun now and then :p